by Cynthia Cavanaugh

Angry, frustrated and confused, I boarded a plane for Southern California. My dear friend and mother-in-law lay in a hospital bed with the shadow of death hovering. As I sat on the plane numb and expressionless, I cried, “Lord, where are you? Can’t you see my wounded heart?” Actually I wanted to scream instead of cry, “LORD, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” I felt as though his face was shrouded from me.

This was one of the few times in my journey with God where I truly felt that I had been abandoned by Him. So many traumatic events had happened recently. Two weeks earlier we had just buried, my grandfather--the spiritual rock of our family. I had had the privilege of caring for him and walking with him through his last days. But now, just weeks after his death, I was possibly facing another. I felt as though the foundation of my childhood was being bulldozed.

My journey had actually begun earlier that spring when I had been diagnosed with clinical depression. The long days and weeks of care giving for my grandfather had taken its toll. Blackness and despair sought to submerge me. The diagnosis of depression though, was difficult for me to digest. I could swallow a diagnosis of arthritis or diabetes, but depression? In my mind that was for weak people and weak Christians who didn’t seem to have enough faith. I argued about the diagnosis with God, my counsellor, pastor and doctor- all people who were trying to help me. “I am a visible leader, a Pastor’s wife in the church. What will people whisper about me behind closed doors if they know,” I worried. The lies flooded my mind.

However, as my journey through depression continued, I discovered that the depression wasn’t just from the losses I had experienced the past several months. Nor was it from my physical exhaustion. Rather, it was from deeper issues that had been tucked away for years-issues that God was beginning to bring to the surface. Some of those issues included false expectations and a warped perspective of needing to perform in order to be lovable. Those lies were actually destroying me and had plunged my spiritual and emotional being into the dark hole of depression. I started to learn that performance had a stronghold in my heart, life and ministry that God in his faithfulness desired to root out of me. Through my counsellor I realized that the depression I was experiencing was a symptom of something deeper, something that I needed to face in order to be a whole person again.

My good friend and counselor helped me when she used this illustration: If I had a broken leg, would I lie on the sofa, not tell anyone and just hope it would heal? No! I would go to the doctor immediately to get treatment. The same must be true for depression; a person often needs professional and medical help to overcome their extreme feelings of despair and hopelessness. Through professional help, they will be able to explore the root of what is causing the depression so it they once again can lead a life of joy and fulfillment!

Depression is on the rise in our culture and the church is no exception. As many Canadians suffer from major depression as from other leading chronic conditions, including heart disease, diabetes or a thyroid condition. Likewise, the World Health Organization predicts that in less than 20 years depression will be the second-leading cause of disability in the world.(1)

Pastor’s wives dealing with depression often experience an added spiritual struggle which complicates depression. As a leader so often we struggle alone because of the fear of rejection, failure or being told, “If your faith was stronger, you wouldn’t be depressed.” I thank God that the church is beginning to acknowledge that depression is an actual illness, rather then seeing it as a sign of weakness or spiritual failure.

The road to wholeness was a rigorous journey for me, but God gently reminded me over and over again that “this too shall pass.” Today, I look back on that season of my life and thank God for the healing and His faithfulness even in the midst of the darkness.

Cynthia is a speaker for women's conferences and events. She and her husband Kevin have been in ministry for over 25 years and make their home in Surrey, British Columbia where they Pastor a dynamic and growing church. They have three sons and a beautiful daughter-in-law.
 

(1) Canadian Community Health Survey: Mental Health and Well Being. 2002. www.statcan.ca/Daily/English/030903/d030903a.htm

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